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Friday, 27 December 2013

Groom of the Stool:

Barford finds himself the perfect job.

The Groom of the Stool was a male servant in the household of an English monarch who, among other duties, “preside[d] over the office of royal excretion,” that is, he had the task of cleaning the monarch’s anus after defecation. In the early years of Henry VIII’s reign, the title was awarded to minions of the King, court companions who spent time with him in the Privy chamber. These were the sons of noblemen or important members of the gentry. In time they came to act as virtual personal secretaries to the King, carrying out a variety of administrative tasks within his private rooms. The position was an especially prized one, as it allowed one unobstructed access to the King’s attention. Despite being the official bum-wiper of the king, the Groom of the Stool had a very high social standing.

One day we hope to see Nigel Swift and Paul Barford preserved for all time in there own museum
in Iceland.


Wednesday, 18 December 2013


Barford's Night Before Christmas
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
Oh what a pleasure
Barford's been blogging
About digging up Treasure.
He sneaks around the forums
while swigging a beer
He  be better off shagging
Nigel the queer.
When Out On The Lawn
He fell down a hole
Someone been hoiking
Be that guy on the dole
The guy on the lawn
shouted back, innit funny
I've just found some loot
I'm only ''innit fer the mony''!
Barford ran down the path
Like A Bat Out Of Hell
I Knew In A Moment
The F----r Had Fell.
So I filled up his Stockings
With Pretzels And Beer
And A Big Rubber D--k
For Nigel The Queer.
He Swore And He Cursed
As I Rode Out Of  Sight
Piss On You Barford
And Have A Hell Of A Night!"


Monday, 16 December 2013

               Innit Erosion Counter
                        Counter graphics

Many people discount my Innit erosion counter as pure bunkum, but the figures speak for themselves.
 Over the years I ask my readers, how many innit's have not been properly recorded on the Barford blog. Now this word has been severely misused by myself for far too long. These innit's are being plundered from dictionaries across the land in an ever increasing way, as Barfords exclaims I'm only ''innit'' for the vowels guys.


1. (British slang, esp. Asian, i.e. Indian, Pakistani, etc.)

Contraction of "isn't it", "isn't he/she", "aren't they", "isn't there" and many other end-of-sentence questions. For greatest effect use in places where it would make no sense whatsoever if expanded.

2. General positive exclamation meaning "yes, I agree!"

1. "Hey dere's some pigs in dat cop car over there innit?"
"Yo look at my new car innit!"

2. Raj: "Da Matrix is to'ally cool!"
Nisha: "Innit!"

Being such a highly educated individual having obtained his N.V.Q 1 in archaeology, one would have thought he could have plumbed the depths of his thesaurus to find and use an alternative word.
Secretary of State for Education has said we are please to be working with this pillock from Poland, and even though this is only a voluntary recording scheme we hope to record as many Innit's as possible to help in our understanding of illiteracy across our boarders.

 Why are you still blogging?

It’s our humble opinion that the audience we now have includes some of the top ‘movers and shakers’ – people who are in a position to make a REAL difference to the protection of the word ''innit''. If we can persuade them of the need for change, by highlighting words under threat, then there’s a chance that things eventually WILL change.

It’s that chance, however small, that convinces us that what we’re doing is the right thing to do. So far, no-one has demonstrated that what we say and do is wrong or harming our grammar (e.g. the Innit Erosion Counter) for which no-one has yet suggested more accurate figures). Until they can, we’ll continue the fight to save our grammar!


TAKE A GOOD LOOK at this behaviour, for these are precisely the sort of small-minded people the Government wants to grab more and more millions of public quid to educate them, and to whom they want us all to entrust the exploitation of our literacy record. Take a good look and decide what you think about that as a "policy".




Thursday, 12 December 2013


The Great Lie EXPOSED at Last!! Wally’s AEC Finally Exposed as 24-Carat Tosh!

While Warsaw-based Paul Barford and his drippy UK handmaiden, Nigel ‘Not Very’ Swift, are at great pains to rubbish the UK’s world beating Portable Antiquities Scheme along with everything and everyone connected with it, they have been caught fairly and squarely with their knickers round their ankles ready for a shafting of epic proportions. Now that their fact-free and heavily discredited Artefact Erosion Counter is shown to be a fraudulent tissue of lies, Barford, when pressed on the AEC's accuracy comes up well short -- as we all knew he would -- unable to answer the salient questions.
This AEC nonsense of theirs, peddled as being ‘scientific’ by these two laughingstocks purports to show, or more accurately, to dupe the casual observer into believing, that the number of artefacts, ‘hoiked’, as their pseudo-scientific jargon has it, from the ground, by Britain’s detectorists, is somehow factual; but is all a lie! And they’ve even sucked-in the CBA to their web of lies and inaccuracies.
The following foot-in-mouth gem from Barford’s PACHI blog exposes once and for all, the fraudulence of the AEC, exposed as a lie on the internet by an anonymous questioner. Read and ENJOY how Barford squirms and tries to parry and defend what has turned out to be the biggest hoax since the Piltdown Man. Looks like Nigel ‘Not Very’ Swift has done a runner to put some distance between him and the truth leaving his co-conspirator covered in crap!
Cop a load of this and ENJOY!
Monday, 9 December 2013
“Focus on UK Metal Detecting: That Ten Millionth Object”
Question posed by "Anonymous":
"The acid test to prove the Erosion Counter's inaccuracy is to demand details of say, artefact number, 10 million and one. Where was it found, what is it, who found it, and when[?]
Ummmm....Well the rate the HE Artefact Erosion Counter has been ticking away means (as I make it) that the ten millionth and first object would have been found a little after one in the afternoon on Wednesday 16th September 2009, while I was in Egypt. The object recorded on the PAS database most likely at that time was Record ID: LANCUM-0F97C8 found at Robin Hoods House, Burnley Lancs. The name of the finder is unknown. This was something like the PAS' "421607th object" (and 268883rd record). The ten millionth and first object dug up by artefact hunters since 1975 which was dug up in a field on the same day may never have been reported to the PAS.”
COMMENT: Here's the proof if proof were needed that the Artefact Erosion Counter is nothing more than pure tosh. The PAS is fact-based, not a propagandist fantasy like the AEC. The AEC is phony and now, thanks to YOU, Barford, the world knows it as well! What’s even better -- to my mind at least -- is that the Council for British Archaeology which is for ever banging the anti-detectorist drum and not widely known for its pro-detecting stance, and who threw its weight behind you, Swift, and the Artefact Erosion Counter (now exposed as utter hogwash) have thanks to your sterling efforts, come up smelling of manure! Never again can the CBA accuse the detecting fraternity of inaccuracy. Well done old son (Oooh, Mikey, you ought to be more careful who you climb into bed with!). Now, thanks to YOU, Barford, the CBA have been made to look utter fools in backing fantasy over fact. I am delighted…I’ve waited over thirty years for this moment, and, ironically, it’s all down to YOU! God Bless you, Sir!
Oh, what an asset to archaeology you are. What a star! Whether they'll be drinking your health in York tonight is anyone's guess; but rather suspect the detecting community will certainly be raising a glass! I imagine too, that a certain Doctor of our mutual acquaintance and his team will be bouncing off the walls in delight, and in fits of laughter, in downtown Bloomsbury tonight.
Large ones all round!
Hat tip to ‘Anonymous’...
"You'll notice how Barford is unable to name or describe the 10,000,001-th artefact, but borrows from the PAS (which he detests) figures to bolster his flagging, heavily discredited,  AEC, which is now the laughing stock of arkiedom.

The AEC is on the US equivalent of Skid Row."

John Howland

Friday, 6 December 2013

Rabbits pass the buck again! not me Guv.


Rabbits in denial again., over holes dug at Lacock, Wiltshire, cricket pitch. A recent survey estimates there are now over 20 million of these night time thugwits, digging all manner of things from private lawns to golf greens. Archaeologists admit rabbits are certainly on the rise and causing major problems to E.H sites. Wiltshire Police Commissioner has looked at the recent damage and says we can hardly go locking up every rabbit, because most are already behind bars. He say's perhaps we could blame local detectorists as it will help boost their crime figures, and  make great reading on the Barford blog.


While many of these rabbits abide by the good code of practice there are still many that do not, some leaving their holes unfilled and even shit in them, what's that all about.? We need to educated these thugwits,  ever since the Norman invasion the numbers have risen.
Here is a ancient print of these thugwits in action attacking a groundsman at Lacock.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

                Archaeologist uncover lost section
                     of Bayeux Tapestry