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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Hey Paul is that your ass, I can smell

Paul and Nigel do pantomime

How much do we need.......

Should archaeologists be able to plunder and desecrate ancient grave sites. In a Christian society is it right in the name of science that graves are being looted by archaeologists, just to see how these people lived and died. It a bit like the Japanese whaling fleets killing whales to study, but in reality it is just an excuse to carry on eating them. Have we not now got enough evidence to say these people died of X, and leave the rest in peace.
How many more artefacts do museums around the world need before they are full to the brim. Most of these collections are kept in vaults or basements where they will never see the light of day, so to say they belong to everyone is a bit like going to ask the Queen to borrow the Crown jewels for the evening.
The Ashmolian museum has many fine Bronze Age axe heads on show in glass display cases, but if you care to open the rows of draws beneath the display cases, you will see several hundred more examples. What is the point of holding these items if they are not in the main display cabinets, as the majority of people will never view them.
Public money should be used to show what we already have , not to aimlessly buy what we already have many examples of.
Those academics and Professors will always argue we need this information but in reality it is just to keep them employed, as many would find it hard working on a Tesco‘s till.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Still talking out my arse

As many of you are aware I have just come out of hospital after receiving major surgery, on having an arsehole transplant. Unfortuanty my friend Nigel had worn the last one out and it needed replacing.
It was a tricky operation as to find a donor, but we managed to get one from the Gloucestershire archaeology unit , as they had a few spare one’s floating around.

Two days later all was not well as the arsehole rejected me, so I was rushed back into the operating theatre where they managed to remove the arse hole, unfortunately they made a small error in throwing me away first, but was an easy mistake to make.

They told me because I now had such a large arse hole hole, they could not find a suitable donor for me, so they were going to replace my arsehole with a large pair of lips. They said even though this was not the ideal solution, at least I could still talk out my arse.

I am not a happy man, as the lips they have given me for an arsehole, have come from an ex-smoker and I now find myself on 60 fags a day. My friend Nigel is most upset as he says I now taste like an ashtray.

I have now written to Gloucestershire archaeology who supplied the arsehole, telling them I was clearly not happy with the one they sent me, which was faulty from the start. The problem is many of these arseholes they get are fresh out of university and are too small to transplant on an old git like me.

I know for a fact that some of these arseholes may never see the light of day and will be redundant before they have fully matured.
I have also written to Cotswold Archaeology as they are now the biggest suppliers of arseholes in the Country, and advertised the fact by producing the Nightowl survey, and supplying the Time Team with most of there arseholes.

They are presently working on a new arsehole as we speak, called the Peter Twinn super deluxe model. Even though it didn’t start out an arsehole, with a little bit of work it may become there best seller, although not suitable for the European market because it’s a bit on the dark side.
This deluxe model is prone to a bit of leakage, so you would never trust it.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Paul's greatest discovery, so far....

Dear Mr .Barford,

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, of your recently discovered Tyrannosaurus Rex." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of dinosaurs living in Poland two years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is an adjustable wrench with the jaws open, not a juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a dinosaur fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard

Evolution of Barford

Where did Paul get his piles of gold from...

Question were being asked last night about where Paul Barford got his piles of gold from, and as usual he was sitting tight. A rift has now broken out with his partner Nigel who is demanding half his share.
It all started when Paul and Nigel had been out late one evening nightowling in the local common, which they had done many times before.
Paul had been bending over at the time, and Nigel happened to glance in Paul’s direction and saw a glint of gold. Where did you get those piles of gold from, declared Nigel . Paul being on the defensive said it was an old collection he had for many years and it had been passed down from his father.
Nigel is adamant that they are new, as he hadn’t seen them before, but had heard murmurings on various heritage forums that Paul had been showing them off to close friends.
Nigel said if I tell the authorities they will forcibly remove them from you and the shit will really hit the fan.
Paul said he thought about selling them on Ebay, but has now become attached to them, and even though they are pain in the backside he just wanted to be left in piece.

Saturday, 20 August 2011

What a relief

I sorry I haven’t been myself recently, but Mrs Barford took a turn for the worst. She woke up the other morning with a nasty green rash between her legs. After having a quick inspection I advised her to go down to that special clinic, not that I know anything about that place.
Well she booked an appointment and saw the specialist, there she was legs in the air with a team of specialist prodding her private parts. As the baffled doctors looked on , scratching their heads as to the cause, a young doctor piped up and asked whether Mr Barford bought antiquities on Ebay. To which my wife said I did, well I was quite astounded when she got home, as those antique gold Roman earrings I had bought two weeks earlier turned out they were made of copper.

Where Does a UK Metal Detector User Get Spare Bits Of Iron From?

Where Does a UK Metal Detector User Get Spare Bits Of Iron From?

A rusty nail is pulled out a detectorists pocket, without a word being said where it came from and is used to induce various machines to make funny noises. A contributor to this blog asks
Where does it come from (Thomas aka Archaeologist employed by Gloucestershire County Council) But hides under a pseudonym. Rumours have it that, this detectorist knows where to look, it’s there in black and white. The answer is in the Bible, now I’m not saying Steve was at the crucifixion but the nail is definitely very old and rusty from many centuries in the ground. I’m sure the nail couldn’t have come from the actual cross, as that would be illegal.( actually that’s what I am insinuating, because I’m completely mad) Now looking through the P.A.S data base I don’t recall seeing any crucifixion nails being recorded.
Now the Video made by Steve Taylor was formally available in the public domain, which is discussed here, showing the nail in question. But within minutes of me discussing it the video was taken down. Obviously his intention is to prevent open discussion of what the video showed. (in the comment to this post) Mr Taylor said he had borrowed it from his Blacksmith wife, who makes nails for a living.
Steve Taylor said…
You are an absolute tosser Paul, my wife has supplied nails to B&Q for years. Jesus died 2000 years ago It wasn’t me Guv.
Paul Barford Said….
So I suppose your wife, has an anvil and furnace in the bedroom, and where can I view her web site.
Mr fallen down Sheddy said…
Kick his arse Paul, have the nail tested and ask Steve to prove where it came from. If it has any blood stains on it , we will know that he’s guilty. Oh and a message for Steve from all his mates on the detecting forum, if you come around here there will be an ambulance taking me away in a strait jacket.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Another Paul Barford in Poland

It has come to my notice that another Paul Barford living in Poland seems to think this blog is about him.
Mine is a fictional character I called Paul Barford, and the name is freely available, the name came to me in a moment of inspiration. The blog name was also available to me, as no one owned it.
.The other Paul Barford has hot linked to my site and seems to be a bit agitated I am posing as him. First of all the name Paul Barford has no copyright on it, as there are lots to be found if you Google the name on the internet
My fictional Paul Barford moved to Poland in 1994 and studied at Warsaw University , the other Paul Barford moved there later and studied elsewhere.
If this Paul Barford thinks it is him, then he will have to prove that his father was called Paul Barford Senior and married Elizabeth Bay and lived in Salford.
My Paul Barford also has a turd on his head, which he wears all the time.
If the other Paul Barford would like to send a photograph of himself I will look for any similar features, and if it looks anything like him then please except my sincere apologises, and I will close my blog.
I did have a look at his blog and he has stolen many images off my site, which unfortunately is copyright, so if he would be so kind to remove them, I would be grateful.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

All of these people on this blog are based on fictional characters and any similarity to real people is a complete coincidence.

Grey's V Red's

Have you ever wondered why there are so many grey detectorist out in the field. Well I have a theory. I have noted on various occasions when viewing metal detecting video’s that the hands on some of these greys are quite calloused and chapped . I had put it down to a rare skin condition that only afflicted metal detectorists in Britain.
I then thought I’d carry on this research a little deeper, and spent many sleepless nights on the subject. They all seemed to have one common denominator which I had been overlooking in my research , it was there in front of me all along , but I failed to see it.
It was ‘WORK’, I had inadvertently stumbled on something I had never experienced in my life. For the last 60 years I had been scrounging off the state, never once getting my hands dirty, not knowing what a days work felt like. I felt overcome with emotion with my revelation, and felt duty bound to help these poor folk. Surely they could have entered into an easier profession like archaeology where they could sit back all day long and wait for the finds to come pouring in from metal detectorists, who often work for no pay, and no recognition.
This would never happen in Poland, as everyone now lives in Britain.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Paul Barford's new book

Paul Barford has remained very quite about his new book, maybe we will be able to buy it when it comes to Poundland.
Swahili Times.

I bought the book mainly because page for page it works out cheaper than bog paper.

Kurt Adams Gloucestershire.
I bought a copy of this book, after hearing so much about it. The problem was it came from a second hand book shop and was used, when I opened it, I could see there was already crap on every page.
Reviewed by Tim Grubb I love this book –not! The book drones on and on and on about our archaeological heritage-what a total loser! I found it BORING!!! I've already fallen asleep……zzzzzzzzzzzzz. In my opinion, don't waste your time reading it! The author needs to improve his language to make it more exciting. The plot isn't really that bad, it's just that it doesn't grab your attention from the start.

Paul Barford the early years

Paul Barford Senior started life in a poor part of Salford as a rag and bone man, collecting antiquities off frail old ladies , often selling them for vast profits to pay for his expensive lifestyle. It was whilst working in this trade he came across his future wife, a woman of ample portions called Elizabeth Bay known to her close friends as E Bay. Although only 13 years of age , this didn’t stop Paul Barford senior from putting his family Jewels in E Bay, although highly illegal because of the age.
It soon became apparent that E Bay was up the duff, and 9 months later a heir was born to the family dynasty.
Paul Barford Senior had been a real shit during his life and it was only right that he should pass on this title to his son . During the christening a turd was placed on young Paul’s head , as his farther pronounced proudly that his family could be traced back to Richard the Turd. As young Paul started to cry, Paul Senior said stand proud lad, as this is the mark of our family and you will either become an archaeologist or a shit head when you grow up.

As the years past, Paul Barford Junior followed in the family tradition dealing in antiquities and selling his loot on Ebay, close friends commented saying the shit runs though his genes.
During his teen years, Paul was to suffer a tragic loss ,as both parents suffered at the hands of an irate blogger, and had the shit kicked out of them.
Paul went into a deep depression during this period, as who now would tend to his every tantrum and place the shit carefully on his head like his dear mother had always done.
Paul being resourceful chap turned to yoga, and soon discovered a hidden talent in self anointing himself by sticking his head up his own arse, which he has continued to this day.

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Paul Barford caught in public toilet

Paul Barford serial blogger and dogger has allegedly been caught performing lewd acts upon unsuspecting chickens and sheep he had purchased at the local Polish market. The market refused to comment, and said what there customers did with there animals, after they were purchased were of no concern to them. Paul's other hobbies inclued collecting valuable antiquites and selling on Ebay.