Paul Barford the early years

Paul Barford Senior started life in a poor part of Salford as a rag and bone man, collecting antiquities off frail old ladies , often selling them for vast profits to pay for his expensive lifestyle. It was whilst working in this trade he came across his future wife, a woman of ample portions called Elizabeth Bay known to her close friends as E Bay. Although only 13 years of age , this didn’t stop Paul Barford senior from putting his family Jewels in E Bay, although highly illegal because of the age.
It soon became apparent that E Bay was up the duff, and 9 months later a heir was born to the family dynasty.
Paul Barford Senior had been a real shit during his life and it was only right that he should pass on this title to his son . During the christening a turd was placed on young Paul’s head , as his farther pronounced proudly that his family could be traced back to Richard the Turd. As young Paul started to cry, Paul Senior said stand proud lad, as this is the mark of our family and you will either become an archaeologist or a shit head when you grow up.

As the years past, Paul Barford Junior followed in the family tradition dealing in antiquities and selling his loot on Ebay, close friends commented saying the shit runs though his genes.
During his teen years, Paul was to suffer a tragic loss ,as both parents suffered at the hands of an irate blogger, and had the shit kicked out of them.
Paul went into a deep depression during this period, as who now would tend to his every tantrum and place the shit carefully on his head like his dear mother had always done.
Paul being resourceful chap turned to yoga, and soon discovered a hidden talent in self anointing himself by sticking his head up his own arse, which he has continued to this day.