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Sunday, 6 April 2014

Hair raising


Barford is to announce that he intends to send his toupee on holiday, for an unexpected break over the next few weeks. Ever since he has sported that ridicules hair piece, which resembles road kill on the M1, he has become the butt of every joke.

After going prematurely bald at the age of two, Barford has tried to hide his bald plate with a number of remedies from cow pats to the dead rat comb over. In his latest attempt to impress the gay community, he has gone for the ''Herr Flick'' look, which looks like it is reinforced with quick setting concrete, with a hint of Mr Whippy 99 ice cream twirl.

There have been reports of  people trying to surf  the wave at the front!

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Invitation only

The talking arsehole is now bleating on that some of the metal detecting websites are invitation only, yet here is what Barford wrote not that long ago!

Paul Barford’s blogs, including his main one that has a major worldwide readership, have currently been made “Invitation only”.
He has just sent us the following account:
“A few months ago I raised the perfectly valid question of whether finds shown on You Tube videos made by a Gloucestershire metal detectorist have been responsibly reported. Since then, I have been stalked and harassed by this individual, who even started a scurrilous blog initially impersonating mine, apparently with the aim of turning readers away from the real Paul Barford blog []
In the last few weeks I have also been bombarded by a large number of malicious electronic communications from this person sometimes as many as eleven in one day,(lie No.1) all written in an aggressively abusive style, some consisting of threats against myself and my family.(lie No.2) Among them was that the detectorist had Polish contacts who would be paying me “a visit” soon. At the same time a thread appeared on a Polish metal detecting forum indicating that this was no empty threat. (lie No.3)Suspicious activity has since been observed on my websites and around my home, an incident on Friday led me to take the matter to the police.
The same individual has also attempted to blackmail me into deleting my blog.(lie No.4) He stated that, having already entered into a no-win-no-fee agreement, London legal firm Carter-Ruck [] was advising him how to bring a 100,000 pound lawsuit against me on the basis of his unsupported allegations. At the end of last week, this individual demanded [] 10,000 pounds or “delete all you blogs on heritage subjects, and never write one again, if you do I will still take action out on you…” making his actual aim clear. This matter has also been reported to the police.
I was given until 6.00pm on Saturday 17th September 2011 to pay up or delete my blogs. The date is significant, the next day was slated to be a national joint effort by metal detectorists to get my blogs deleted. As we read: [ ] “Anyone who’s been mentioned in his blogs, should delve through his archive, where you will find plenty of material pinched off the net. Google will close his account down if enough people hit him at the same time, so now is your chance to get your own back. […] There must be plenty of folk out their (sic) with an axe to grind.”
The writer of those words seems a little confused about the difference between using the internet as a source of information and quoting the source, and “a copyright infringement”, nevertheless I determined that a lot of people had been searching my blog all week, some of them for over an hour, and downloading material relating to metal detecting in the UK. None of the posts they examined of course actually contained anything that could conceivably regarded as a copyright infringement.
It was clear however that the plotters counted on being able to persuade the web host to delete my heritage blogs by the sheer number of nuisance claims they could muster. I run my blog, as a “coffee break activity”, and at the expense of other activities. Obviously I am concerned to protect four years of my hard work from loss through malicious mass action by UK’s metal detecting community. Dealing with this threat directly by answering each spurious notification would have been time consuming, the blog has been made private until further notice”.
COMMENT  (Nigel Swift, Heritage Action).
This has been met with great glee by metal detectorists and perhaps elsewhere. However, in my view it is shameful. Over the past few years metal detectorists have used disruption in response to all difficult questions on the PAS Forum, the Heritage Action forum and Britarch and succeeded in getting the  first two closed down and the subject disallowed on the third. Detectorists have threatened me and Heritage Action (“we know where you live” and much else) and our appeals for any of their colleagues to let us know the real name of the perpetrators have been ignored. Paul has suffered the same thing but this time it has come in an organised, cross-border manner which I personally find very disturbing. I hope someone is brought to book this time but in the meantime it is not rocket science to calculate that HA is likely to be next –  for at present our Site is one of the few places left that is able to openly say to the public that the reality of  the situation is very far from what most detectorists and The Establishment are telling unwitting landowners it is. For that situation I blame everyone that  thinks what has happened is a welcome development or a victory. Tell that to those who believe that conservation outranks recreation and that the public has a right to be properly informed that metal detecting has a major net damaging effect upon the buried common archaeological resource. Or the hapless landowners, misinformed from all sides.
More Heritage Action views on metal detecting and artefact collecting

Friday, 27 December 2013

Groom of the Stool:

Barford finds himself the perfect job.

The Groom of the Stool was a male servant in the household of an English monarch who, among other duties, “preside[d] over the office of royal excretion,” that is, he had the task of cleaning the monarch’s anus after defecation. In the early years of Henry VIII’s reign, the title was awarded to minions of the King, court companions who spent time with him in the Privy chamber. These were the sons of noblemen or important members of the gentry. In time they came to act as virtual personal secretaries to the King, carrying out a variety of administrative tasks within his private rooms. The position was an especially prized one, as it allowed one unobstructed access to the King’s attention. Despite being the official bum-wiper of the king, the Groom of the Stool had a very high social standing.

One day we hope to see Nigel Swift and Paul Barford preserved for all time in there own museum
in Iceland.


Wednesday, 18 December 2013


Barford's Night Before Christmas
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
Oh what a pleasure
Barford's been blogging
About digging up Treasure.
He sneaks around the forums
while swigging a beer
He  be better off shagging
Nigel the queer.
When Out On The Lawn
He fell down a hole
Someone been hoiking
Be that guy on the dole
The guy on the lawn
shouted back, innit funny
I've just found some loot
I'm only ''innit fer the mony''!
Barford ran down the path
Like A Bat Out Of Hell
I Knew In A Moment
The F----r Had Fell.
So I filled up his Stockings
With Pretzels And Beer
And A Big Rubber D--k
For Nigel The Queer.
He Swore And He Cursed
As I Rode Out Of  Sight
Piss On You Barford
And Have A Hell Of A Night!"


Monday, 16 December 2013

               Innit Erosion Counter
                        Counter graphics

Many people discount my Innit erosion counter as pure bunkum, but the figures speak for themselves.
 Over the years I ask my readers, how many innit's have not been properly recorded on the Barford blog. Now this word has been severely misused by myself for far too long. These innit's are being plundered from dictionaries across the land in an ever increasing way, as Barfords exclaims I'm only ''innit'' for the vowels guys.


1. (British slang, esp. Asian, i.e. Indian, Pakistani, etc.)

Contraction of "isn't it", "isn't he/she", "aren't they", "isn't there" and many other end-of-sentence questions. For greatest effect use in places where it would make no sense whatsoever if expanded.

2. General positive exclamation meaning "yes, I agree!"

1. "Hey dere's some pigs in dat cop car over there innit?"
"Yo look at my new car innit!"

2. Raj: "Da Matrix is to'ally cool!"
Nisha: "Innit!"

Being such a highly educated individual having obtained his N.V.Q 1 in archaeology, one would have thought he could have plumbed the depths of his thesaurus to find and use an alternative word.
Secretary of State for Education has said we are please to be working with this pillock from Poland, and even though this is only a voluntary recording scheme we hope to record as many Innit's as possible to help in our understanding of illiteracy across our boarders.

 Why are you still blogging?

It’s our humble opinion that the audience we now have includes some of the top ‘movers and shakers’ – people who are in a position to make a REAL difference to the protection of the word ''innit''. If we can persuade them of the need for change, by highlighting words under threat, then there’s a chance that things eventually WILL change.

It’s that chance, however small, that convinces us that what we’re doing is the right thing to do. So far, no-one has demonstrated that what we say and do is wrong or harming our grammar (e.g. the Innit Erosion Counter) for which no-one has yet suggested more accurate figures). Until they can, we’ll continue the fight to save our grammar!


TAKE A GOOD LOOK at this behaviour, for these are precisely the sort of small-minded people the Government wants to grab more and more millions of public quid to educate them, and to whom they want us all to entrust the exploitation of our literacy record. Take a good look and decide what you think about that as a "policy".